I know I know, it has been almost a year since I have actually posted on here. Right now my life is in total shambles and I am slowly trying to dig myself out of it however I can't seem to do it...I can no longer afford Aquinas College as the person who was co signing for my student loans decided on a whim that he no longer wants that responsibility, which in some ways I understand but it still doesn't make it any better. The guy that I love very much is down in Ohio however I don't know what will become of us, if anything anymore, my grandmother is dying right before my eyes and it is so hard to watch day after day. I suppose the only real good thing that I have to look forward to is my Uncle Charlie is finally getting married to the man that he loves and it joys me to see their happiness finally come to fruition. Today however was not so good a day, my cousin Leah got into a really bad car accident and was extremely lucky that she made it out alive, thank god for seatbelts, but her cousin was driving the car atleast 80 mph and just happened to hit construction to where there was a small dip in the road which made them flip over into the marsh, her cousin ended up fracturing her neck in 3 different places but they are going to be ok, the car is a total wreck. I attempted to sign up for classes at Montcalm CC however I have no way of getting to classes where ironically I will also be working, so *sigh* I may have to take another semester off of school which I really don't want to do. I feel like my dreams seem to slip further and further away from me and there is nothing that I can do about it. At this point I just want to lay down in bed and never get out of the covers and maybe then life won't be so bad. Oh well you have to take responsibility somewhere, what better place to start than getting your own life straightened out...I wish it were that easy.

It's my birthday yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO'S BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
My wonderful fiance's bed and it was a nice sleep too as we were all cuddled up throughout the night

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
gray t-shirt that says Alma College on it

HAVE YOU MADE OUT WITH ANYONE ON YOUR FRIEND'S LIST?
Yes, Justin, Dave, and of course James

DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP 8?
My fiance (James)

HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW 'IN REAL LIFE'?
all

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Matt and James in the background talking

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
D honey babe etc.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR UNDIES RIGHT NOW?
lavender

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
not yet but we are getting a husky dog

WHAT'S YOUR DAD AND MOM'S MIDDLE NAME?
Dad don't know but my mom's is Mae

MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
The Polar Express (oh my god was it good)

NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES?
My ID, clothes, and keys

WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
baby blue

WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE OR RECEIVE A FOOT MASSAGE?
Both- I love giving massages and I love receiving them just as much.

NAME A TEACHER YOU HAD THE HOTS FOR!
My freshman year of high school I had the hots for my Biology teacher...*blush*

HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
$85 (that's going to groceries)

WHO'S THE 4TH PERSON ON YOUR RECEIVED CALL LIST?
My mother

WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
don't have one

WHAT WERE YOU D0ING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
cuddling up with James and going to sleep

WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE ON YOUR CELL PHONE SAY?
don't have a cell but will soon

I don't expect many people to understand what I am doing right now...but you know what for the first time in a long time I am truly happy...I am being selfish but you know what it's about time that I start to think about myself instead of what everyone else thinks...I am not going to give up happiness just because other people don't agree with what I am doing...I think that my life right now is coming together very nicely for once and I don't have my past haunting me nearly as much as it did and I can finally face without being afraid...

I know that I haven't updated in awhile. So here it goes...with everything that's been going on lately I feel like I am lost at sea...I love Justin but sometimes it seems that I am nothing but a burden and all I am doing is focusing on making him happy...I can't do that anymore and I need to start focusing on me...so today when he gets here and tell him that and if he doesn't take it kindly then I am going to break up with him for the time being...I am hoping against hope that we can work through this but if not then I just need the support of friends around me and the ones I have are the greatest...I want to thank you guys for being there when I need you the most and hopefully I can do the same but right now I think I need to go outside of my boundaries and make new friends in new places...I know I am probably not making any sense right now but I just want to find myself again and I don't know what to do...so I am going to do what feels right to me at the moment and if we end up breaking up stay single for awhile....although I hope it doesn't

For once I don't feel dizzy nauseated or in pain yay...I feel so much better today and more like I can finally handle things. Thank god that I had Justin there to help me out or I don't know what I would have done but things are going ok now...I still feel a little weak and hopefully I can start eating regular food again but I don't know I will try...hope everyone else is doing ok

I am recovering from my wonderful appendectimy which I had on Friday I just got out of the hospital yesterday and for once am not dizzy to where I can't concentrate. The medication that the doctor put me on makes me extremely dizzy and nauseaus so great...but I am doing better and am no longer in so pain that I can't walk which is good...the only thing I hate is being so helpless that Justin had to help me take a bath cause I was so dizzy and could barely move myself grrrrr....but he doesn't mind...my wounds still hurt but not so much when I take the pain killers...well hope everyone else is doing ok...

I feel horrible, right now I can't even sleep the pain is so bad. I think I might have gotten food poisoning cause my stomach is absolutely horrid and I ended up throwing up just from the pain...I don't know what to do I have a calculus test in 3 1/2 hours and I can't go feeling like this...I just want it to go away...

Ok this morning I went over to the Religion department in Anspach and I officially dropped Death and Dying cause there was no reason for me to take it since you know all the professor was teaching was critical thinking skills as well as writing skills that I already have...I am so disappointed cause I was really looking forward to learning about the subject grrrr...but oh well. So here I am sitting in the Anspach computer lab waiting to go to my next class which is Physical Anthropology and I can't wait till the middle of October where I get to take a trip to Cairo, Egypt to an archaelogical dig site at the pyramids I am so excited about that...the problem is is coming up with $675 to go :( hopefully I can cause the money is due next week...but enough of complaining I am actually loving school right now the only thing that I am having troubles with is Calculus since the professor can't speak english very well and she is trying to talk in practical terms AHHHH!!! bad idea when you can't speak that well...hehe... but anyway I am really loving my philosophy in literature class and my 1st research paper is on Literature and Pornography which is really interesting yay...and also my history class is great and my professor just happens to be my advisor for my major yay...so things are going really well right now even with Justin and I and it's great...well hope everyone else is having a good day...

Wow was today a little bit of a long day and IT ISN'T OVER. This morning I got up from the apartment and was late getting around, well I had to go straight to class which was calculus with a crazy ass professor who doesn't know how to speak english very well grrrrr....and that didn't get out till 11:00 after that I had to run to Dot's and get her up and make her breakfast and the usual and then go straight from there to my physical anthropology class at 12:00 and then after that I went to my History class at 1:00...now I am out and I still have a shit ton of studying to do for mostly Death and Dying grrrrr....I hate that professor...but what can you do? After Iget done studying I am going to the SAC with Dave and Justin and doing some swimming laps and then I get to come home and relax...hope everyone else is having a good day...

I am uber tired still...I don't know why...but last night was not a good night for me at all stupid past memories haunting me and usually that doesn't happen but oh well...so I cried while Justin held me which was nice then got to work on wonderful calculus and I don't like my prof cause she is pure Indian and she can barely speak english whatsoever...grrrrr....I am going to try and play WoW as much as possible since I am so behind everyone else cause of stupid school work...>_< but I think that I am going to take a nap before I do that and see if this tiredness can go away...hope everyone is having a nice weekend..

Yay...I got sleep last night...I took care of Dot this morning and she told me the sweetest thing ever...she said that missed me last night...I was so happy and then she started joking around with me which makes my job so much easier...I love taking care of her and I know I am going to cry and miss her when she is gone...but at least she will die comfortably...yay..today is another homework day cause I have to write a paper for Death and Dying so I won't be on WoW that much which kinda sucks since I am way behind everyone else grrrrr....but oh well...hope everyone is having a fun Labor Day cause it's back to class tomorrow yay...ja minna

Ok...today is an extremely long day...this morning I went over and took care of Dot and she was great...but I am so tired from the lack of sleep last night cause I still have so much on my mind right now...I talked with David this morning about what I saw yesterday and he thinks it is kind of a last farewell to her and what not so I am hoping beyond hope that he is right...if not then I know where I stand...oh well...For the rest of the day I have to go and study and take care of Dot one last time...yay...I hope to get some sleep tonight...if not I will be really cranky...oh well...that is all I really have to update on...hope everyone else is having a good day...ja minna

I have so much on my mind right now...earlier today I was downloading stuff from my calculus class and silly me I thought a certain window was my download page...well heh it just happened to be about Stephanie and after reading that on Justin's computer and knowing that he had it open I don't quite know what to think...heh...that kind of rocked my little world because I thought it was all done with and I wasn't even thinking whatsoever about her...well apparantely Justin was thinking differently...maybe again I am being paranoid but oh well if he is thinking about her then he should at least tell me about it instead of trying to hide things...on a better note I got my car today it is a big honker but it is a vehicle yay...my mother is being stupid again and is trying to play with people's minds and it's starting to piss me off cause I don't want to see Woody hurt again even though he still loves her...grrrrr....she is trying to weasle her way back into his life and it's not cool...oh well...that is my little spiel for tonight hope everyone else is having a good holiday weekend...ja minna

Well this week has been interesting...first day of classes was Monday and so far the only classes that seem to be a little difficult is Death and Dying and Philosophy of Literature other than that none of my classes are hard at all...I went to Intermediate Algebra this morning and I dropped the class because it is too easy for me and I need more of a challenge...so I took on Calculus which shouldn't be difficult at all...so that is my update hope everyone is having a good time with classes and such...